The reading this sermon was based on is Matthew 18: 15-20. You can read all the lectionary texts here.
I don’t know what it was like for you, but in my family when there was hurt there was anger. The anger came so fast you couldn’t see the hurt that had caused it, you just suddenly became the target – or the witness – of angry words. And then there were usually tears and remorse and sorrys were said but there wasn’t really understanding. Truly, no one set out with the intention to hurt others. No one lay in bed at night plotting what to do or say the next morning that would hit just the right spot, push all the buttons at once to set off the parental or sibling fireworks. And so the sorrys were usually genuinely meant, but didn’t mean relationships were restored. For sure we held grudges but we did it quietly, because we also knew that was wrong. And we might have felt that there was still some injustice that had not been corrected, but once the sorrys were said there was no going back to sift through the debris and see…what was it that had lit the fuse?
Why was there a fuse there in the first place?
And, perhaps most confusing…whose problem was it?
This passage is all about community relationships, and while it seems to give some pretty clear guidelines, it raises so many issues for me.
First of all there are issues of boundaries – figuring out the ownership of the problem and my part in it. What if the other person is feeling deeply hurt not because of what I have done or said, but because this circumstance reminds them of an earlier one where they were badly hurt and so this defensive reaction is wildly out of proportion in the situation now? How would I know? If I cause hurt to another, without meaning to, am I responsible for that? Is it all my responsibility, or is it possible that the hurt person is over reacting out of misunderstanding? What if they heard something in what I said that I didn’t actually mean? Their interpretation may not even be close to what I was trying to say.
What if they are hurt because they feel criticised – and think that I am blaming them or judging, but I think I am simply making an observation or offering a suggestion?
Which one of us should modify our behaviour? Which of us is at fault? Or is it both?
When the boundaries are not clear – what is yours and what is mine – and when the boundaries are not respected – what is ok and what is not ok – then this teaching can be easily misunderstood or misapplied.
I do think Jesus is advising us to keep a closer eye on the words that come out of our mouth. Not as constant vigilance to scan and filter for possible offense or as a sin management programme, but as a way of developing our awareness of what and how we are communicating. It is not an accident that people who devote their lives to prayer often take vows of silence. In James’ letter to the church, he says that the tongue is the most dangerous part of human beings and is capable of destroying human relationships.
But this teaching on what to do when someone’s words or actions have hurt me does not mean that anytime I feel you haven’t properly supported me, that you haven’t responded positively enough to me or if I hear that you have criticised me for something, then I should come to visit you and tell you how lonely it is for me as your minister, how undermining, how discouraging and hurtful your words are… so you can hear me, apologise and assure me that you will try harder in future.
Jesus can’t mean that’s what I should do, because that would just bounce the hurt back onto you, wouldn’t it?
You might take it on and feel hurt by my expectation that you should change to suit me, or you might bounce it back to me, in which case I’d have to come back with some elders. That wouldn’t actually create connection and understanding between us, would it?
I think this teaching is mostly about listening, and listening is a special skill. It is much more than not speaking while another person talks.
Listening means leaning in with your attention. It means actively trying to understand what is being communicated from the perspective of the person doing the talking. And a lot of what is being communicated is not in the words that are said.
So the angry words I heard as a child, the angry words that I said, they were usually communicating hurt or fear and often a sense of injustice. Sometimes the anger said, ‘I feel left out’ or it said ‘I feel powerless and afraid’. I didn’t have the words for those feelings and fears – most children don’t unless their parents intentionally teach them, and help them to recognise and name them. Instead, as I got older I learned to modify my behaviour, to keep the angry parts more or less under control and found other ways to express or suppress those emotions.
Many of us – possibly even all of us – moved through childhood and into adulthood without being taught healthy ways to manage our own emotional boundaries and how to let others know, kindly and clearly, where those boundaries are.
As I grew up, however, I began to learn these things.
It can be hard and takes practice and sometimes – many times! – I am sure I revert to the pattern of my childhood. But I am learning to stop and check first. And I always have to start with me.
I have to ask myself:
- what’s going on that I keep returning to that conversation?
- What’s bugging me about that incident or that person?
- Why do I suddenly have no energy and want to binge watch Netflix?
- Why am I being so hard on myself about this?
The practice of stopping and checking in with yourself is an especially important step to bear in mind when we read this passage as guidelines for a church community. While it might be someone’s delicious fantasy to point out other people’s faults and have them meekly agree and repent, it is always, always important to examine your own story first. Chances are high that, just like in my family, the truth is below the surface and focussing on what’s on top isn’t going to lead to restoration and healing of the relationship.
If you haven’t stopped to ask yourself why you feel hurt, if you haven’t checked to see what you are bringing to the situation and what you have contributed to this interaction and what else you might need to find out – what other stories might be involved – then it’s dangerous to point the finger and tell someone else what they have done wrong.
Listening needs to come first. Listen to yourself. And then once you have that straight, go and listen to the other person. Remember, listening means actively trying to understand what is being communicated from the other person’s perspective.
At the Coracle gathering last month, at one point we were put into pairs and given five minutes each to speak about our context and what was happening in it. It wasn’t a dialogue. One spoke, the other listened. Then we swapped. Then our twos joined up into fours and we had to retell the person’s story we had listened to.
If you are really listening, then you can tell the story not just repeat the words but tell the story as one who understands it from the inside – because that is what you were trying to do when you were listening.
Again this is a special skill and takes practice, but God is gracious and usually provides us with lots of opportunities learn in.
It is this listening which allows us to tune in to the heart of God and when we ask from within God’s story of love, we are simply telling what we have heard. This listening means that when we are gathering with that story at the centre of our attention, we truly are the body of Christ.
What would it mean for our world if we began to listen to these stories, leaning in to understand one another.
What if, in the season of creation, we listen to the story being told by earth, sea and sky, by the creatures and insects, fish plants and birds?
What story are they telling us?
This listening could lead you to make small changes and with your small changes, we change the world.
Closing prayer
God of love, we pray for our life as a community.
We pray for the gift of forgiveness.
We pray for the gift of discernment,
of deep listening for you among each other.
We pray that we may live in your peace,
bonded together in your grace,
for the sake of your love.
Jesus promises to be among us;
grant that we may trust him and seek him,
that we may listen for him and follow.
These things we ask in the name of Jesus
and the power of your Spirit. Amen.
